V.4

My life is basically being a type of machine, robot perhaps, that only obeys what other people say. A slave who do all the chores for others sake. A puppet that shows no life. A human being that has her life tied by someone else. A non-existent person in the society, which contributes flaws and mistakes in the basic form of community, a thing we called family. A struggle I have to fight on my own. A curse that I have to break a way from. A place that has become hell from the moment I failed in every aspect of my own life. 

In this moment, I just want to cry and bury myself in tears. December 2015 was supposed to be my civil wedding with my fiancé, unfortunately, parents who think knows best stopped me from doing so. Not only did I not suffer from this situation, it gave scar to my fiancé and his family. Not being able to do anything or step up on my own was the scariest and the biggest mistake I've made which ultimately lead to a sorrowful Christmas and heartbreaking New Year. 

January 2016 just barely started and another setback has occured. My supposed-to-be father in law died, a saddening and depressing moment I have to go through. Thinking of being next to the person who needs me the most was a given so after hearing the news, I told my parents. I thought they would be more open and will allow me to go and fly to the Philippines but no. They made a decision which I can't even think of. Is there any parent that would think this way? They would even dare utter that who am I to that family, I am just a girlfriend. An outsider to be exact. Reality just hit me. After all these years, they really do not like my fiancé nor his family to be able to do this in times of need. They only think about how I'm being used which is completely nonsense. Just because I live in America doesn't mean that the guy I want to marry only needs papers and money to be able to get here. My parents definitely think low of me. I finally realize that is why teenagers who grew up in America gets out of their house and live on their own freely. I am an adult who lacks decision making skills on my own, so I listened even if there are consequences I can't even fathom to begin with. Parents who opposed their children's happiness is not a parent. My thoughts about family is simply changing. I think to myself when I get to this stage, I wouldn't want my own children to give up their own happiness. Even if you fail in living there is more to life than just money.

Parents who always degrade and not support your decision at all cost is suffocating. Parents who bear grudges and ill-feelings toward your past due to financial matters will bring you down. They always tell you to get your act together and be stable before doing something else. I mean, does it even matter at this point of time where the one you love needs your support not your money. I can argue about all the reasons, I just refuse not to because my opinion about my life does not matter at all. They are so engrossed in helping others, relatives most of the time rather than their own daughter. Just because I chose to study and get my degree in the Philippines doesn't give them the right to hold me back. They didn't even pay for my college. The only thing they did was pay for my allowance which is an obligation of a parent to a child, and pay my tickets back and forth from US to Manila. In those four years, they keep telling me I've made a wrong decision even after I graduate. After failing the board, they put you down more instead of encouraging you to get it better next time. It feels like if you fail in this world that's the end of the road for you. They even have the time to help others in financial matters instead of helping you pay less in your monthly mortgage. They think of others, and have the guts to compare the life you lived towards them, in how they are more successful or whatnot. I am sick of this routine. I am broken and they refuse to see my needs first. The resentment I'm feeling is so big there's no looking back. I keep thinking that when I finally make it big someday in this society, my parents would be the last person I would be thankful for. Dragging and scraping down your wounded self to this retard home, an escape is a must.

When I make things right on my own, in my time, I will proudly say I made it to this point without your help. I will live on my own and follow my path to happiness. I have given enough to this family. I have my dreams put on hold but never again. Money will not make you happy, if that's all you need in this fucking world to live then you are not living.

For the people who stepped down on me, I will see you when I am up high above. For the relatives who think they know me, who think they are forgiven after I witnessed them almost killing my mom in front of my eyes even if my mom forgave you, I will pray that you forget I am part of this family. For my siblings who always stand up for me, I will help you in any way I can in the future. For my parents who treat me like no other parent would, thank you and I'm sorry but this is the end of us. I have done everything I can to understand what you want for my life but it is not yours for you to live.

For my fiancé who is going through a very difficult time, I am deeply apologetic to you and your family for I cannot be there in times of need. I have no words to express how sorry I am. I will make sure to do my best so I can make it up to you for every opportunity I missed, every sorrow I made you feel and lastly for the shame and disrespect my family have shown to yours. For that, I will pay my whole life in debt with you.

For myself, you have a tough life. Make a change drastically. Do what you can and must. Never forgo your intentions and love unconditionally.  You have suffered physically and emotionally, you have the right to be sad and depressed but please don't take your life for granted because that is what you hate the most in a person. As long as you are breathing, keep holding on even if there is no one holding onto you. Be kind and gentle to those who value you as a person, to those friends you consider your brothers and sisters, be thankful.

In times of reflection, read this and get on with your life. Set your goals and make it happen in 2016. Do not be a laughing stock and brace everyone with your accomplishment when the year ends.

Goodbye. 

V.3

Lying down, thinking about all the possibilities life has to offer.

Career-wise I'm grateful for having two jobs at the same time. I was now certain when one door closes, another one opens. In fact, it has been an eye-opening that in no time my working experience have change drastically. It's somewhat on my field and hobby. I am sure this road will take me somewhere far, but right now I am definitely enjoying the ride as I go along my path.

Friendship goals, I may say it has somewhat lessened to going out once a week, talking to few people rather than voicing out to a couple or more, parties die down with age, monthly get together turn into 3 months of not seeing them but you know they are there.

Relationship is always bothersome. It makes you happy, sad and what-knot. Somewhere along the way, you get lost in your own pace and forget about society.

Family is precious and the only thing that is motivating you to go forward. Allowing you to take your dreams seriously and forcing you to become a responsible adult.

Religion, the most sacred thing I have learned to keep holding on. A vague subject that makes your heart and mind peaceful.

Self encouragement. Words that benefit my sanctuary. Pushing through life's ordeals and making it BIG.

V.2

I am an overseas fanatic and avid stalker of #Aldub. An on-screen chemistry that started out of nowhere. A kind of love that keeps your heart beating so fast. A different sensation of emotions filled with curiosity.

When you can't go to bed at night because you have to wait for the #Aldub#KalyeSerye#Juan4all#EatBulaga to air on television, your basically hooked onto something far from the norm.

As I stay up late to watch the series, I have come across a path I couldn't resist. It's a show that gives personal experiences a fruitful meaning. Character that gives life-learning lessons about love. Audience that vary from their age group. I have never been into something that is trending this big except for this one. There are really things in this world in which human beings cannot control and perceive.

V.1

I am back at blogging again. My usual habit of letting my mind speak on its own. Writing about my everyday life, ideas, plans and dreams to pursue or even just because I felt like doing it. Thinking of words that would express my current feeling. Imagining what tomorrow would be like and at the same time listening to music that soothes my ear. Contemplate on issues about work, people and even love. Dare to explore new possibilities that would eventually turn out risky and challenging. Limit myself in conveying the good and bad sides of me especially at work. Focus on achieving my goals one step at a time. Reading books that would enlighten my mood and view about life. Regain self-confidence and face my fears. Overcome trust issues with friends who once turned their back at me. Realize that there is more to life than just living.

Start of something new.

Today was crazy bit of fun. I was given another opportunity to start a new job. A kind of job that basically fits my schedule and my line of profession. It was only orientation since it's day one, but I can feel the standard to a new level. A sight where I can look forward to, an environment I can feel safe, and a job that pays the bill.

I also had the time to spend with friends afterwards. Dinner and movies are definitely a breakaway from all the negativity the past month has thrown at me.

Now, from this point onwards I am more grateful that life is taking its turn and is placing me where I should be at the moment. I now learned that there are really doors that would instantly open for you once you get knocked down at your lowest. God has been my salvation and I am thankful that whatever I went through gave me a reason to look deeper inside of me and call out to God's presence.

I am now stronger as I can be. I will continue to be what I am as a person and will respect and protect myself from harm in the future.

To God be the Glory.